Monday, March 26, 2012

"The best thing about being a woman... the prerogative to have a little fun." Man I Feel Like a Woman by Shania Twain.

This post is going to discuss a topic that may not be comfortable for some of my more reserved male readers. If you find yourself in that category, go ahead and check out this site instead for today. I'll catch you tomorrow. :P If you are aren't sure if you should keep's a little clue of what's to come:

Beauty Rush Mirror Compact from

You've been warned. 

So. Pregnancy is an opportunity to realize a certain wondrous part of creation that would otherwise go unnoticed, and in a fallen world, much of the wonder is detracted via morning sickness, growing pains, stretch marks, and other results of sin. I am trying not to let these distractions keep me from appreciating the magic of all this. God's general grace provides certain compensations even amidst trials, and beyond the obvious compensation for the discomfort of pregnancy (the baby), one such "gift" - especially to a certain flat-or-pear-shaped segment of the female population - is the enhancement of our, forgive me mentioning them, breasts. 

Indeed, it is this aspect of pregnancy that reminded me of one of my personal favorite members of folklore: The Cleavage Fairy.

My personal experience with the Cleavage Fairy is inconsequential to this post, but I was shocked to learn from various friends that her existence is not widely known (or appreciated, which perhaps explains her preference for anonymity). Personally, I think informed is prepared (and I think a good story makes up for a good number of inconveniences). So, an introduction to Cleavage Fairy Lore:

The Cleavage Fairy is not like the Tooth Fairy, who takes an unwanted and unnecessary appendage and exchanges it for money or some other delightful gift. Cleavage Fairy lore dates back to the Sleeping Beauty era, along with other fairies, pixies, elves and beings who gave christening gifts to princesses like Aurora, though most of them, including the Cleavage Fairy, were tastefully left unmentioned in the Disney version since the modern child, unlike the Grimm original audience, are of a more delicate constitution. Or, at least, their parents are.

Cleavage Fairy is, in shape, something like the Dolly Parton Gnome from Gnomeo and Juliette. She generally wears pink on pink, and favors tailored suits with peplum hems. She has adapted far better than many of her counterparts to the modern, fairytale-free world. In a society that refuses to accept "magic" as a simple answer to daily mysteries - the Tooth Fairy and Santa being two notable exceptions - she relies on consumerism and clever branding ("PINK") to keep the magic alive, which apparently has been an effective strategy. Business is, as they say, booming.

The Cleavage Fairy, though never seen on a visit except to royalty, has a fairly predictable schedule and has historically been consistent on this point. A Princess or Woman of Note generally is granted one visit at birth which determines a schedule of future deliveries of endowment throughout her development. Mere mortals and commoners usually are not set on this royal schedule, but are visited at random. The most regularly occurring schedule of visits is once as an early teen, once as an early adult, and then every time respectively as you bring a new life into the world. Other visits are not unheard of, and may be brought on by a variety of factors.

Cleavage Fairy's visits are swathed in mystery, as she intends her endowments to be. Her entire empire, if it may be called that, is firmly rooted in the idea of female mystique (hence Victoria's Secret) and while she appreciates the artistically bared bosom, delicately displayed d√©colletage, and tasteful exposure of shadow as you approach the region in question, any more blatant display sends her into a frenzy of outrage. Beware of her wrath, as she tends to take it out on future visits (especially during pregnancy and other eras of  feminine duress - she's not shy about kicking you while you're down). The phrase, "My cup runneth over," may be taken in the positive or negative sense, but the Cleavage Fairy will happily introduce you to the negative side if scorned.

The actual "gifts" of the Cleavage Fairy are somewhat unpredictable. As mentioned before, Princesses could generally count on a hefty but not unreasonable endowment at regularly scheduled intervals in their youth and early adulthood, while the rest of us mere mortals can only hope for her generosity/restraint whenever she chooses to show up. For those to whom she is not generous, temporary or artificial replacements are available and the Cleavage Fairy usually takes it as a compliment that you seek to enhance her area of expertise, but only up to a point. On the other end of the spectrum...the Cleavage Fairy is thought to consider her gifts a blessing, but then, she doesn't live in the real world, so her judgement is, like many pixies and magical beings, somewhat impaired. Many female experts consider her to be one of the more capricious of her kind, but male experts tend to disagree. This is an ongoing debate in academic circles, but it's doubtful we'll ever really know.

So, there you have it. 


1 comment:

The Minnesotan with the German-Irish Name said...

Personally, I wish the Cleavage Fairy would LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY. Hurmph.