Friday, August 04, 2006
Wishing you were somehow here again...
...Knowing I must say goodbye.
So...today I watched one of my best friends die. This guy I've known since I was five, I was looking into his eyes when his heart stopped beating. He had spent the last half-hour of his life with me, the last fifteen minutes in my arms. Of course, all this is slightly different than otherwise because he was a cat.
He had cancer and other issues, and we could tell he was in a lot of pain. He wasn't a very vocal cat, but he cried alot these last few days. It was the kinder thing to do, even if we had been able to operate, he wouldn't have had the quality of life he had before (he would have had to have multiple surgeries, an amputated back leg, as well as lengthy and painful treatments). He wouldn't have understood why he had to go through all of it, blah, blah, blah... All the things everyone always tells you in this kind of situation, and I still feel like Judas.
I just betrayed someone who trusted me, he trusted me implicitly. I promised I would take care of him. In those last few moments, what did he think of me? Did he know how much it screwed my heart to see his little eyes flicker back and forth from the vet to me, and then as his eyelids slowly closed? Did he know how much it hurt me to hear his pathetic little growl (still highly profane, as anyone who has ever heard a cat--much more my cat--growl knows) as the vet came in.
I prayed and cried and thought about it forever beforehand, just to make sure I did the right thing. I think it was right. But it's still hard.
I have trouble realizing he won't be sleeping on my bed, getting my black clothes all covered in white hair, and white clothes covered in black (how did he do that?). It's weird that I won't have to worry about him sneaking out under my feet, or that he won't miss me when I go back to school. I sure miss him, and it's only been five hours. It's this huge, gaping hole in my heart.
He purred while I pet him right before the shot. He must have known how much I loved him.