Friday, March 03, 2006

Delight yourself in the Lord...

...And He will give you the desires or your heart.

And as my mom says, or else He'll change them! I believe it with my head, you know, I say, "Of course God will do what's best for me, but 'best' may very well not be what I want." But God gave me those desires for a reason. If they aren't what He wants, it's because He has something better, and although I don't know what that is yet, I just have to trust that it's true! Like Moses and the Isrealites in the desert after they left Egypt. They had to stop at Mara where the water was bitter, and they complained about it. But what they didn't know was that the very next stop would have sweet water, and palm trees, and room for them all to camp! They just had to trust that God would bring it about in His time. And His time is the best time.

Trust in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

I've thought and thought and thought about why I'm here instead of where I want to be, or where it looks (from an earthly perspective) of where I need to be. I think perhaps I'm supposed to learn something. While I'm here doing secretarial work, I'm trying to improve my memory, trying to work out regularly, trying to figure out ways to be brilliant and productive and inspired in spite of a lack of what Anne of Green Gables would call "scope for the imagination." In some ways, that is. The social aspect here is a bit dry--not that the people are at all boring (people never are) but they are busy with their own little lives, and if your life does not include whatever their job is (usually something mathematical) then there isn't much common ground to stand on. With people at church I can do churchy things, and with people from high school I can do childish things, and for everything else--there's my mother. :-)

I have some friends, of course, but all but one is off at school or on a mission trip right now. The one who is here is a doll, but she has to work simply all the time, and she has other friends she spends time with... But enough whining already.

I want so desperately to be an actress--but there is so much against me. I am not skinny enough, I'm in New Mexico, I don't have an "in," I haven't any formal training... but God can do it. I can get there if He wants me there. That is my dream, the desire of my heart. If it isn't what God wants for me, then He'll change that desire. I have to be content with where He puts me. Right now it's working as a secretary in an accounting office in New Mexico. But who knows? Perhaps after this dry little stopoff, we'll get onto someplace with plenty of water and palm trees...

Ironic, isn't it?

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