Monday, October 29, 2007

"Holding darkness up to the light...

...the other side shows through." Sugar Blue, Jeff Finlan

So. Many cares and worries are clouding my life otherwise bright and sparkly life. Job things, school things, money things, friend things, family things, even pet things. Since I am a self-absorbed creature, I must admit that the most pressing worries that are clutching at my heart are the self-worries. I see this darkness swirling around me, and I get scared. Very scared.

I once heard two friends earnestly discussing the way to deal with life. "Laugh," said one, and the other responded, "Yeah, laughter. There's no other way to deal."

I have to say, I tried to make myself laugh, but it did nothing for me. I am going to watch Galaxy Quest with Tim Allen here in a bit to try again, but I think there is a deeper solution that must be primary to take care of these issues that are coming up.

First, I DO have to address the self-worries.

My doubts and concerns of my abilities or lack thereof simply must be faced. But like when you face a child with a question (usually, "why?") that cannot be answered simply, so am I filled with an overwhelming sense of my own insufficiency even to deal with these immediate fears. My questions are beyond me, beyond my cat, my sister, even my mother. "What to do about this?" is something that none of us can answer. That means I have to give it to God. He, at least I can be sure, has the answer. And here is my test--do I trust Him with it, or do I continue to grapple on my own, and, step by step, draw inevitably closer to that chasm of despair which I see looming so very, very large in front of me. Yet to give it up, to Him, to hand it over and say, "That's fine, You take care of it," to Someone I can't see, someone who can't pat my head or smile and nod as I hand it over...that takes a great deal of trust that I must choose very consciously with my will, because my emotions say, "Like HE cares!" But that is a lie, because He DOES. He promised:

"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you." (Proverbs 32:8)

And as I'm seriously and earnestly whining about how I can't see God smile, or feel a hug from Him, in pops my ENTIRE FAMILY--mother, father, sister, and cat. They all plop down on my bed, kick me off my laptop (we only each have our own laptops and have two desktops besides...but they want mine.) and go to where we "committee-take" the quiz for ourselves. (Daddy and the cat declined to take the test, though they did input for Fred and Momma and I) Fred was the girl from Northanger Abbey--whose name I forget--but we think she's more like Marianne from Sense and Sensibility. Momma was Eleanor from Sense and Sensibility, but within a point of being Emma, and I was Elizabeth from Pride and Prejudice. And as they teased and hugged and smiled--I realized that God DOES speak and smile and hug and wink--just, through people.

Like, say, my family...

I really am blessed.

How ironic.

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